Tuesday, 4 December 2012
A Blonde Test
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
Windows Slogans
At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?" These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.
1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.
2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!
15. How do you want to crash today?
TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on ur post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say
anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason!
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every
group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8)The "Promoter" – Always sends event
invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button.
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person
always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong but then they never finish telling the story.
11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary,
12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates... and will probably steal this one.
Talking Dog
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog,
"What's on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'."
"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog,
"What does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog answers.
The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience.
"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
He turns and asks the dog:
"Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" barks the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I should said DiMaggio?"
Lawyers Are Always Rich
Rich lawyer, poor lawyer and Santa Claus walk down a street, they see a $5 note on the pavement. Who picks it up?
The rich lawyer, the other two don't exist...
The Wise Lawyer
A rich old man gave his lawyer, his priest and his doctor each a million dollars on the condition that they put it in the coffin with him when he died so he could prove "you can take it with you".
At the funeral, they all put in their envelopes, then
The priest said " I have to be honest, part of the job you know, I only put 25% in. The rest went to the needy in my parish".
The doc said "I better be honest too, I only put in half the money, the rest went to operations to save needy patients lives".
The lawyer said, disdainfully, "How dare you not honor the last wishes of a dear old friend! I gave him a check for the whole amount!"
At the funeral, they all put in their envelopes, then
The priest said " I have to be honest, part of the job you know, I only put 25% in. The rest went to the needy in my parish".
The doc said "I better be honest too, I only put in half the money, the rest went to operations to save needy patients lives".
The lawyer said, disdainfully, "How dare you not honor the last wishes of a dear old friend! I gave him a check for the whole amount!"
The blonde on an aeroplane
There's this blonde.
She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
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